"TEACHER'S' NIGHT OUT"
This page has samples of stories from
"Teachers' Night Out" Comedy Night
"Other Side of the Desk"
Education ... You Might as Well Laugh About It.
I taught in a public school system for about 35 years and I have been collecting stories about kids, teachers, parents and administrators for about 18 years. I have over 150. I know it’s hard to believe, but as you read, keep in mind that everything on this website is true. These events happened to me or some one I know. The names and places have been changed to protect the guilty. Let me know what you think or send me a story. Enjoy!
Favorite Quote From a Parent:
"How Dare You Teach My Daughter Stuff She Doesn't Know!"
Is this page for you?
The Semi-Colon Test
I was trapped in the car one time with three human beings that talked about the care and feeding of the semi-colon for forty-five minutes. It is forty-five minutes of my life I can’t get back. I don’t care about semi-colons. Don’t use semi-colons. Don’t know how to use semi-colons. But the senior, the middle-aged, and the twenty –four year old were fascinated. They discussed the proper use of the semi-colon. They gave examples of the use of the semi- colon. They compared recent personal accounts of its use. They even ventured into its history. There was no way out for me except the car window on a busy expressway at 65 miles per hour which would have been a quick speedy death preferred over the slow agony I was undergoing inside the dad-blamed car.
To me, as a science teacher, the semi-colon is just a part of your lower intestines. To me, as a writer, the semi-colon is the bi-sexual of the punctuation world. It cannot make up its mind if it is a comma or a period. A “permma,” or, since it is such a pain in the butt, a “comroid”.
Anyway, the point to my conflict with the semi-colon is to help you decide whether or not to read this website. Here are the guidelines:
1. If you agree with my distaste for the semi-colon, click on a the page and enjoy the wedsite.
2. If you love the semi-colon but are strangely curious about this website, get the quarter out of your butt then click on a page.
3. If you find yourself wishing you were in the car with me during my forty-five minutes of semi-colon hell, turn off the computer, pretend you never read this, go to the kitchen and put your bread in alphabetical order.
Someone Put the "Parent" Back in Parenting
Parental Blindness
Mrs. Stevens: Thank you for coming in, Mr. Franklin. We are all concerned about
Ryan’s progress.
Mr. Franklin: Well, you all know Ryan has a serious eye condition don’t you?
Mrs. Stevens: No.
Mr. Franklin: Yes, he has a condition in his eyes that will probably lead to blindness as he gets
older.
Mrs. Stevens: Oh, that awful. Can anything be done about it?
Mr. Franklin: Yes, but I would have to take him to Children’s Hospital down town
every week and right now my car will not make it. It just needs too
much repair work to trust it to go all the way down town every week
Mrs. Stevens: Well, maybe we can help with getting your car fixed.
Mr. Franklin: That would be great because I just spent $1000 on a bunch of
Christmas gifts for Ryan.
Parent to Principal in the Parking Lot on First Day of Summer Vacation:
Parent: Where is everyone? Where are the kids and busses?
Principal: There is NO school in the summer.
Parent: But I need to drop my kid off.
Principal: I’m sorry, ma'am, but the school will not open until August 19th.
Parent: That’s ridiculous! What am I suppose to do with my kid?
Fingernails
A father, in a see-through tank top, got out a pair of nail clippers, spread his legs, rested his elbows on his knees, leaned over and cut his fingernails allowing them to drop on the floor during the entire conference…. Leaving the pile on the carpet for me to clean up.
Angry mother writes to the teacher:
"School is weakening our family unit."
X-Rated Conference
A mom came in for a scheduled conference about her son. She had discovered a video of her husband and another woman in compromising positions. She showed the teachers the still shots she had taken off of the video. As she shared the photos, she told of her husband’s infidelity. The teachers, being confused as to why the mom was sharing this very personal information with them, asked what it had to do with her son. Mom said. “My son’s inappropriate behavior issues are because of his father not me.”
Male Parent to Young Teacher:
"Wow, if my teachers had looked like you when I was in school, I would have paid more attention."
Parent to Teacher:
"My daughter doesn’t have to learn math. She’s going to marry a rich man."
Parent to Teacher:
"My Duaghter's skirt is not to short. Her legs are just too tall."
Parent to Teacher:
"It was very inconsiderate of you to schedule a test on Friday knowing full well Stephanie had cheerleading tryouts the night before."
That's Why They Make the Big Bucks
A Word About Administrators
Most administrators are hard working, fair, descent people ... “most.” Then there are the “few.” When you have worked with the “most”, it makes it very hard to work with one of the “few.”
Most administrators take time to get to know their staff, the curriculum, the students, the community, etc. In other words, they do their homework because they care.
This page is not about the “most.” It is about the “few.”
In The Middle
I’m tired of hearing the constant mantra “teacher accountability, teacher accountability, teacher accountability.” How about having the parents sign a “Parent Accountability Contract” when their child is born? By signing this PAC, they promise to do the following: support the fact that education is important, ensure their child will attend school regularly, and hold their child accountable for completing assignments. Three simple responsibilities for parents among the hundreds of teacher responsibilities are not much to ask.
Teachers are easy scapegoats for parents and administrators ... we are always caught in the middle ...
Administrators: You must complete the 24 indicators in that next 51 days.
Teachers: But ...
Parents: Why would you ever give homework on Wednesday? Everyone goes to church on Wednesday.
Teachers: But I have to ...
Parents: I don’t worry about my daughter learning math. She’s gong to marry a rich
man.
Teachers: But ...
Administrators: You need to find time to work with these students that are behind.
Teachers: But ...
Parents: My son needs help so I told him you would work with him at lunch
Teachers: But I have recess duty and ... when ...would I eat ...
Administrators: Recess is not time students should be doing work. They need that free time to
blow off steam and relax.
Parents: I told my daughter you would work with her after school. Call me when you are
done and I’ll pick her up.
Teachers: But ...
Administrators: Bullying will not be tolerated.
Teachers: I have a students that is calling other students names and threatening to beat
them up.
Administrators: Well it is not really considered bullying unless it is directed at only one person.
Teachers: But ...
Administrators: Just be a “guide on the side.” Most of the time these things work themselves
out.
Teachers: UGH!
Level Zero and General Swartzkof
The school developed a plan to help with the noise in the hallways. So the administration decided on using the numbers 0-4 to indicate what level the students should be talking at. 4 being outside, level 3 in the cafeteria, 2 for classroom group work, level 1 for the library and level zero for absolutely no talking. Keep in mind that this program is for pre-teens. The administration uses the international hand gesture of “asshole” for the symbol of level zero.
Principal on Morning Announcement to All Classrooms:
"Teachers your PAP TEST results are in."
Sticky Education
Now if you are not familiar with the way long distance education works, let me “splain-it” to you.. You find 4 co-workers...well friends..OK, drinking buddies and you form a “study group”. The courses come in the mail. Your group makes group audio tapes and then does “independent” writing and mails them to the “professor” for that course. Lot-o –work but not too terribly difficult.
Anyway, my group had a professor for one particular course who was very particular, demanding, critical…OK, she was a Bee-awch. We wrote and wrote and wrote for this woman. Turned all our papers in and awaited their return. Finally they came and I was opening the envelopes and one of my group members pages felt like it had a lump in it. I pulled the paper out and all over the title page and every page after was this brown powdery stuff. I turn to the middle of the paper and there stuck fast to the page was a used fudgesicle stick. I kid you not. …….Ah, Marygrove College “Where Education Sticks.”
Scoping You Out
Administrator to 5th Grade Science Teacher:
Administrator: Why aren’t you using microscopes in your classroom?
Teacher: Two reasons: #1. It is not in the curriculum for this grade level.
#2. We have don't have microscopes.
Pin Points
A curriculum director was discussing a new lab activity she wanted all the 6th grade science teachers to do. Each teacher taught about one hundred and fifty, twelve years olds, a day. The activity involved giving each student a straight pin ... dah!
Variety Show
High School Principal on Morning Announcements:
"We would like for you all to come to the variety show next week. Remember, it is not just for the popular kids but for the rest of you too."
Paid Behvior
After the principal had berated a theacher for not being able to control a particular disruptive student in his classroom, the principal decided to take matters in his own hands. Appearently it did not go very well. The principal made a deal with a problem student:
The Deal:The student could earn $1.00 for every 30 minutes she could behave properly. Then the principal would take her shopping.
... and that’s why they make the big bucks! ...
Stuff That Makes You Go ... EEWW!
If you are uncomfortable at the mention of body fluids and parts of the human anatomy, this section is not for you. You need to put your rose colored glasses back on and click on another page. Just remember teachers cannot click on another page and go on to something more pleasant. This is their life ... grossness and all.
Crazy Eye
(This happened at Halloween time.) A first grade teacher was picking up her students from gym class and lining them up to go through the hallway when she noticed that one of the boys was holding something behind his back. The young man had a frightened look on his face as the teacher approached him. The teacher asked him what he had behind his back and reluctantly he said, “My eyeball.” Thinking it was part of a Halloween costume, she said to the boy, “Let me see it.” He handed it to her and much to her surprise it was his real artificial eye.
Chapstick Penis
A first grade teacher caught one of her students rubbing Chapstick on his penis. He said, “Cause’ it was cracked and hurting.”
Grease
Mrs. Stevens: Jessie, Jessie, what do you have all over your hair? It... it
...looks like motor oil.
Jessie: Yea, I know. We got into a grease fight this morning waiting
for the bus.
Mrs. Stevens: Oh, Jessie, that’s going to be really hard to get out of your
hair. Your parents are
going to kill you.
Jessie: No they won’t. They started it!
Two Retired Teachers Talking Over Lunch
Mrs. Smith: Did you recognize the boy in the kitchen?
Mrs. Jones: No.
Mrs. Smith: I had him in class the second year I taught.
Mrs. Jones: That’s been over 35 years ago. How in the world did you
remember him?
Mrs. Smith: Oh, I’ll never forget him. I watched a cockroach crawl out of his
Letter From Parent:
Dear Mr. Winston,
Sorry that my son James peed on other students in the cafeteria yesterday. It was on a dare and James was just being a typical 12 year old boy.
Mrs. Smith
Student to Teacher:
"My mom had a baby in the basement last night. It was a great surprise because we didn’t even know she was pregnant."
Kindergartener to Teacher After Using the Restroom.
"I guess I wasn’t aiming good enough so Cindy came in and helped me."
Freaky Bed Partners
(13 year old girl and boy arguing loudly.)
Mrs. Stevens: Whoah ...Whoah! What’s going on? Come on, now, stop.
Dena: I hate him! I’m going it kill him!
Ron: Oh, shut up you bitc#@#!
Mrs. Stevens: Stop, both of you and tell me what happened.
Ron: She broke up with me over something stupid!
Dena: Stupid?!!! Stupid?!!! Are you kidding? I hate you.... hate you!
(Heated arguing again)
Mrs: Stevens: Alright, all right let’s just settle down. We really need to take a deep breath and
try to work this out but we need to take it out of the classroom. Dena, you need
to go home and talk to someone at home about this like your mom or dad instead
of at school.
Dena: My Mom? Are you kidding? She’s the problem.
Mrs. Stevens: What do you mean?
Dena: Yeah, I came home yesterday and found Ron in bed with her!
They Said What?
Detention Letter
Dear Teacher,
I’m sad that you are leaving because next year I was going to tell my friends to have you because you have good experiments. If I see you in the past, I would say I’m sorry that I was always crazy. I just got all wound up sometimes and it was right of you to give me all week detention because if it was the fire caught on and we didn’t survive it would be all my fault. I hope I see you again so my mom and I can talk to you.
Bye, I’ll miss you.
Joey
Parent to Teacher:
"I don’t see anything wrong with my son calling that girl a slut. She is a slut."
Parent of 12 year old to teacher:
"I don’t think it is fair that you gave my son a detention. He didn’t “throw” the scissors he “tossed” them."
Email Between College Professor and Angry College Student:
Professor: You got a “D” on your final exam because you spelled the
word “you” with just the letter “U” throughout the entire test.
College Student: That’s not fair. U knew what I meant.
3rd Grade Student to Teacher:
"Yea, I called him a lesbian but you don’t have to worry about it ... he’s a boy."
Procial School Teacher to Student during religion class:
Teacher: Does anyone know what the reserection is?
Student: I don’t know what it is but if you have it more than four hours you need to call the doctor.
Student to Teacher when asked to pass out papers:
"Sure, I would be glad to pass out papers. I like helping the elderly."
Waiting to Load
A three year old girl was sitting on the potty after she had just finished plating with an iPad. Her mother was trying to hurry her up and do number two. The young lady indignatley said, “Be patient, mommy. I’m waiting for it to load.”
6th Grade Student to Teacher:
"I wasn’t cheating on the test. I was just asking her for the answers."
Kindergarten Student to Teacher:
Student: My Gwandmudder swapped me wast night.
(My Grandmother slapped me last night.)
Teacher: Oh, my dear, where?
Student: In dah wiving woom.
(In the living room.)
Conversation between 4th Grade Teacher and Student:
Teacher: Fred please don’t stand in you’re chair. Please sit in the seat.
Student: I can’t sit down because I have Assburner’s Disease.
High School Student to Teacher:
"I can’t wait until I’m 18 so I can join the army and then no body can tell me what to do."
Poet - Tree Corner
Teacher's Poem Book
by Bridget Ossmann
I would write a book of teacher’s poems
But it would never sell.
Because, as you know, teachers can’t say
Damn, shit or hell.
*************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Endins’
by Bridget Ossmann
My head's a achin'
My back's a breakin'
My nose is filled with dust
My room has odors
My eyes have floaters
And my kids are filled with lust
My brain’s a bangin’
From lockers clangin’
My walls are filled with ooze
Teachin’ my best
But needin’ a rest
I’m headin’ for the booze
Boys chasin’ girls
Bellies with pearls
Preparin’ to wear a thong
Kids like manikins
Parents a panicin’
Wonderin’ where YOU went wrong
My grades are done
My time has come
To pack my bags and go
Minutes on clocks
Go tick.....tick.....tocks
Endins’...just...too...damn... slow